State of the Union: January 2013

State of the Union: January 2013
By: Kevin Bryant

Greetings Comrades, Fellow Party Members and Citizens of the State

As of this morning, I no longer stand before you as your President. I now stand before you as Premier Barack Hussein Obama.

Tonight I will deliver the greatest and most historical of all State of the Union addresses to have ever been given inside this historical chamber. I confidently say to you, the citizens of the state, that this night will be the crowning moment in the history of our nation.

The transformation of our nation is now complete. We are longer be looked down upon by our earthly brothers for now we are all equals. The world no longer sees us as a threat to peace. The world no longer views us as a “do as we please” nation. Tonight, I say to you, we have finalized our transition from a country without morals or clarity to a country of the world. We shares in a united hope and prosperous future with the rest of our Muslim and Atheist, Hindu and Christian brothers and sisters throughout the world.

What started 4 years ago as the appearance of a simple yet necessary economical stimulus package has now grown into the greatest of all pieces of legislation ever to be passed by those great patriots of the party here in these very halls. It began with the centralization of the financial institutions, then the health care industry fell under federal control and together, we have progressed and advanced the Union of the Socialist State of Amerika into a model of government for the rest of the world to emulate. With our help, the United Nations will finally become the world’s governing body that our great leaders of the past: Stalin, FDR, Castro, Johnson, Carter, Chavez and Clinton envisioned it to be, and will become the guiding force to lead all the nations of the world towards everlasting peace and universal harmony

No longer do we have the need to pour countless millions of dollars into such things as national elections, large standing military and senseless state governments. This great house, which is truly loyal to the state, has shown great resolve in determining what is best for the citizens of this great nation. They have appointed terrific czars for each of the former states who in turn have appointed the members of this loyal and most honorable house. They have stood unified in their convictions to do what is right for the state and to elect me Premier of the USSA for life.

This nation has prospered greatly over the years since we pledged our support to Iran and the rest of the Muslim world in it’s jihad against the evil and illegal state of Israel and wiping it from the face of the earth. We have been blessed by the Muslim world and now exist in a world of peace since adopting the Muslim teachings and coupling them with Hindu like inner peace. We have re-written our constitution to allow for the funding of such teachings and the world has stood as one in rejoicing our conversion.

We are a safer and more secure nation now as we have removed all weapons from the homes of ordinary citizen. We have learned that with implementing Sharia Law, we can deter all lawlessness, removing any and all needs for gun ownership.

With the creation of the National State News, we are now able to better inform our citizens. We now have the power to keep you informed of all the sweeping changes you voted for when you elected me to office a mere 4 years ago.

With our prosperity, we have been able to relax the 100% tax of income over $25,000 and reduced it to 86% so that you are able to afford a better life for your family. As our party and country continue to prosper, so will our citizens.

In 2008, you, Amerika, voted for change you could believe in and count on. I have delivered on that promise. The party has corrected the wrongs of the past 230 years. We have brought our way of thinking out of the dark ages and into the 21st century. We have corrected the mistake of the idea of a government of the people by the people and for the people and replaced that with people for the government and by the government, all working towards the common good.

Because of the change you have asked for, we have given you equality though the equal pay program based on our job rating scale. Through the federalization of the stock market and private business sector, fancy job titles no longer mean anything. If you sweep a floor, you have the security of knowing that the person in the building beside you makes the same money for the same job. When you go to the grocery store, all products cost the same regardless of where you shop.

Because of the change you wanted, you now have the luxury of knowing that you have a stable and permanent government that you can look to correct any wrong, resolve any dispute, protect you from harm and alleviate the stress of all those decisions you formerly had to make for yourselves. The party is here to ensure that you have medical coverage and approved schools to educate your children all at no expense to you.

Now that, my fellow citizens, is real change.

Allah has blessed me and my family because we follow his strict code. Follow the path and Allah will bless you too. And may Allah continue to bless the Union of the Socialist State of Amerika.